Thursday, January 6, 2011

ROYAL THUNDER - Royal Thunder CD review

ROYAL THUNDER - Royal Thunder CD
Relapse Records
Genre: Indie Rock
Rating: 1/5

The label has been promoting this one by pushing the "from Georgia and female fronted" moniker as if they were MASTODON or BARONESS with tits. Big surprise they're neither, well there's tits provided by the bassist/singer, Mlny Parsonz, and that's pretty much it. According to the Relapse website, if you like JEX THOTH, ELECTRIC WIZARD and DEVIL'S BLOOD then you will like ROYAL THUNDER. Whoever came up with that thought must be deaf because they don't remind me in the faintest of those bands. This trio from Atlanta sounds like your typical liberal college town band. Toss in a bluesy voiced female singer whose only other taste of fame came when she failed an American Idol audition. She was beat out a few years ago by a former crack head from Marrietta. Ok that Idol thing is a lie. Now you toss in a few SABBATH riffs to their already weathered repertoire of average sounding shit. Then it's holy fuck a new Doom band sensation for the imbeciles of Indy Rock and Hipster Retardation. I'm not trying to just be mean towards Indie Rock losers. I look at Indie Rockers like retarded midgets with no limbs and where's the fun of beating down that? I just have to say the bottom line was reached last year and now we're going deeper.

This CD is really lackluster and you have to be a real fucking ignoramus to be duped into the marketing practice going on here. This is not Doom and it's not Metal at all. This ain't even new since it's just their self released CDEP reissued by Relapse. Mlny Parsonz vocal performance on these songs is average at best. I'm guessing she saw the DETROIT COBRAS play a show once at the Masq. Then decided to become a singer. What else is there to do since there are only so many record store clerk jobs. She's an 'alterna-chick" in a college rock band from a town packed with hipster retards. As far as the rest of this band is concerned they're nothings. The guitarist Josh Weaver and drummer Jesse Stuber are Indie Rock musicians which means they're not completely talentless schmucks. They're just not into metal. The chick knows that so these guys are temporary until someone else comes along, hopefully someone who plays metal. ROYAL THUNDER's sound is blues based rock and at times fuzzed in order to hide the jangly canned guitar Indie Rock faggotry. I personally can understand why they would jump at the chance to have their CD re-released on a major label. They're an Indie Rock band and some what good at it, but then again it's Indie Rock and I just don't give a shit.



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